I’m not an idiot. I am not stupid. I know what you’re thinking; only an idiot would get trapped inside the bouncy castle at their nephew’s birthday party. Well let me ask you this, would an idiot have been able to find his own way out after only a half an hour? I don’t think so. But I don’t know for sure because I’m not presumptuous, like you probably already think I am.
I’m not afraid of anything, and this fearlessness scares me.
I’m not a hunter; I’ve never even been hunting, so why am I covered in deer urine? We may never know.
Don’t you dare say that I am a name caller because I am not, you big, stupid idiot. I’m not a judgmental person. This fact cost me my dream job, being a Supreme Court justice.
I’m not a preacher or anything, but I do love dunking strangers underwater. What is it about being a preacher that makes it ok for him to do it? How come people get so upset when I do the exact same thing to their child at the pool? Maybe they freak out because of something I am wearing, like my ski mask. Or maybe it is something that I’m not wearing, like my pants. Life is full of mysteries.
I am not a machine gun. I am a man, holding a machine gun, pointed at you. I’m not a crazy person or a nut-job. I am just a guy who is requesting the money from that register.
I’m not a vegetarian. Mainly because, can vegetarians eat venus flytraps? What about those bugs that disguise themselves as leaves and branches, are they ok to eat? Too many questions. I’m not a fan of grey areas; which is what kept me from becoming a brain surgeon.
I’m not chewing gum. I can see how you would think that though. No, I am just a normal guy, dressed in pink, laying on the sidewalk and latching on to people’s shoes as they walk by.
Please stop shouting lady! I’m not an intruder. You’re making assumptions. Maybe I am just a guy preparing for a surprise party in his new neighbors house as a way of introducing himself, did you ever think of that? Also, I’m not a burglar. I’m simply rearranging your things to optimize your floor plan. Some of this stuff would look better at my place though, so I am taking it there.
I’m not a weird guy. No one wants a weird guy at their party. I’m the guy at the party that comes wearing a cat suit and sits in the corner, pretending to groom myself for the first hour of the party only to jump up and surprise everyone by screaming non-stop while juggling violins. No one wants the weird guy at their party and everyone wants me at their party, ergo, I am not a weird guy.
I’m not quinoa. But, I’m not sure what quinoa is, so maybe I am quinoa.
I’m not a child or a teenager, but I used to be those things. Kind of like how I am not a woman.
Perhaps one day I will figure out what I am, but I am not a psychologist. I’m not someone who needs a psychologist either. I am just someone who had a psychologist appointed to him by the state. Maybe he can tell me what I am.