Bumper Stickers I Have Seen In My Neighborhood And The Probable Owner Of The Car Assuming I Live In A Neighborhood Populated Only By Biblical Characters

Proud Parent of Rescue Animals – Noah
Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History – Mary Magdalene
Salt Life – Lot’s Wife
Deadhead Sticker – Lazarus
Stick Figure Family With 12 Children – Jacob
Don’t Follow Me, I’m Lost Too! – Moses
Smile! Things Might Get Worse More Slowly – Job
13.1 – King Solomon (took a marathon and cut it in half)
Mac Apple Sticker – Eve


Facts To Help You Win Your Office’s NCAA Bracket Pool

The NCAA tournament is coming up and, with that, comes office bracket pools. With often tens of dollars on the line it is important to try and seize any nuggets or tidbits of information that could give you an edge over your enemies/coworkers. Sure, you could try chatting up some of the more ‘knowledgeable’ sports fans in the office to mine them for information; but those people are taking the fool’s approach of trying to predict outcomes based on feelings, intuition and “having played basketball in high school so I know a thing or two about good basketball when I see it.” So this year, you could try filtering through Brandon in sales’ stories about how he “almost dunked in warm-ups once junior year,” and maybe you’ll pick up some tips on which teams are good. Or, you could just use these cold hard facts to guide your selections.

  • 50% of the teams lose their first game.
    I know what you’re thinking: “a team has to be good to get into the tournament and only a bad team would lose their first game.” It might surprise you but if you use the past 4 years as a sample size 50% of the teams that have made the tournament have lost in the very first game they played. With the parity in college basketball this year that number could be a little bit higher but a safe play is to assume half of the teams in the field will lose their first game.
  • Only 25% of Final Four teams go on to win the Championship
    A lot of the sports commentators on television and Brandons in Sales will say things like “that’s a team that could make the Final Four,” and that sounds like a compliment. But, it’s important to remember when filling out your brackets that, going back to the beginning of the modern NCAA tournament, only 25% of teams that make the final four end up winning the National Championship.
  • The highest scoring team in the first round has advanced to the second round 100% of the time in the last 5 years.
    The first round is always the hardest to pick. When filling out your bracket think about this, in the last five NCAA tournaments the team that has finished the first round with the most points scored has moved onto the second round. Last year, for instance, Arizona scored a tournament high 93 points in the first round, not surprisingly, Arizona advanced to the second round.
  • The team that scores the least amount of points in each round almost always loses.
    Points are the key to the game; the teams that can’t score them usually have a hard time winning. After you’ve pinpointed the team that will score the most and moved them on to the next round, try and pick out the team that will score the least and count on them heading home early.
  • Most teams can only win one game per round.
    If you’re like me you’ve decided to hedge your bets in the past; if Kansas really was as good a team as Brandon says they are then they could probably win three or four third round games this year. Unfortunately, no matter how good Brandon claims a team to be, I’ve looked at the past few NCAA tournaments and haven’t found a single team that has won more than one game per round. That’s not to say it won’t happen this year but it is something to keep in mind.
  • Don’t make your picks based off of commercials.
    If you have watched any commercials advertising snacks or beverages during the March Madness season you’ve probably thought “wow, State and Tech are pretty good, they are always playing each other in these championship scenarios.” While it is possible a state school will make the final game, a technical school has never won a championship. These are just more lies in advertising.

With these helpful statistics you should be able to improve your performance in the bracket pool and, if there is a merciful God above, you’ll beat Brandon and have this victory to rub in his stupid face whenever he starts talking about his “basketball IQ” and how he could have played division two ball if it weren’t for his ankle or knee or whatever.

Names for Stray Cats

All cats are deserving of names even though they almost never respond to a human calling their names. Nevertheless, here I have compiled a list of names you can give to any stray cats you may see.

  • Tail Binghamsworth
  • Professor Gregory Snugglesberg
  • Supreme Court Justice Spots Ellington
  • Hairball Hockington III
  • Leonardo Scratchingpost OB/GYN
  • Whiskers Wilson the Declawed
  • Hypoallergenic Smith
  • Two Ears Johnson
  • Boots Brenton D.D.S.
  • Cathy Calico
  • Princess Diana Reincarnated
  • Stripey
  • Paws Whitey
  • Alley Cat
  • Ally McBeal Cat
  • Steve Harvey
  • Postmaster General Boots Johnson
  • Purrscilla Queen of the Dumpster
  • Creepy McRed Eyes
  • Sir Meowsworth and Dame Fluffy Tail the Duke and Duchess of the parking lot (for use on cat couples who seem monogamous and display a sense of self-righteousness).
  • Lieutenant Governor Soft Paws
  • Scratch Mean-Cat
  • Monsieur CatBath du ScratchyTongue
  • Hissy Elliot
  • Litterbox Willy
  • Supreme Pontiff White Tail the Vicar Kitty of Christ

Please feel free to use these names or simply use this list as a jumping off point. Just remember to please name every stray cat you may come across.

I’m Not… (Introspection Through Process of Elimination)

I’m not an idiot. I am not stupid. I know what you’re thinking; only an idiot would get trapped inside the bouncy castle at their nephew’s birthday party. Well let me ask you this, would an idiot have been able to find his own way out after only a half an hour? I don’t think so. But I don’t know for sure because I’m not presumptuous, like you probably already think I am.

I’m not afraid of anything, and this fearlessness scares me.

I’m not a hunter; I’ve never even been hunting, so why am I covered in deer urine? We may never know.

Don’t you dare say that I am a name caller because I am not, you big, stupid idiot. I’m not a judgmental person. This fact cost me my dream job, being a Supreme Court justice.

I’m not a preacher or anything, but I do love dunking strangers underwater. What is it about being a preacher that makes it ok for him to do it? How come people get so upset when I do the exact same thing to their child at the pool? Maybe they freak out because of something I am wearing, like my ski mask. Or maybe it is something that I’m not wearing, like my pants. Life is full of mysteries.

I am not a machine gun. I am a man, holding a machine gun, pointed at you. I’m not a crazy person or a nut-job. I am just a guy who is requesting the money from that register.

I’m not a vegetarian. Mainly because, can vegetarians eat venus flytraps? What about those bugs that disguise themselves as leaves and branches, are they ok to eat? Too many questions. I’m not a fan of grey areas; which is what kept me from becoming a brain surgeon.

I’m not chewing gum. I can see how you would think that though. No, I am just a normal guy, dressed in pink, laying on the sidewalk and latching on to people’s shoes as they walk by.

Please stop shouting lady! I’m not an intruder. You’re making assumptions. Maybe I am just a guy preparing for a surprise party in his new neighbors house as a way of introducing himself, did you ever think of that? Also, I’m not a burglar. I’m simply rearranging your things to optimize your floor plan. Some of this stuff would look better at my place though, so I am taking it there.

I’m not a weird guy. No one wants a weird guy at their party. I’m the guy at the party that comes wearing a cat suit and sits in the corner, pretending to groom myself for the first hour of the party only to jump up and surprise everyone by screaming non-stop while juggling violins.  No one wants the weird guy at their party and everyone wants me at their party, ergo, I am not a weird guy.

I’m not quinoa. But, I’m not sure what quinoa is, so maybe I am quinoa.

I’m not a child or a teenager, but I used to be those things. Kind of like how I am not a woman.

Perhaps one day I will figure out what I am, but I am not a psychologist. I’m not someone who needs a psychologist either. I am just someone who had a psychologist appointed to him by the state. Maybe he can tell me what I am.

A Reference: 12 Necessary Morse Code Signals for use in a Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland

When a time comes where forms of modern technology are rendered useless and the Earth is transformed into a hellish, barren landscape, traditional Morse code will be an invaluable tool in communicating with others. Knowledge of basic Morse communication could end up saving your life or the life of others. Included in this reference are some common calls and phrases to help users better understand and correspond with each other.

Rollercoaster of Emotions: A Moment by Moment account of a Maury Audience Member

  • Maury just walked on the stage, we were ecstatic. He is just the best, this is a dream come true. He looks very comfortable in his sweater.
  • Maury just brought out a young lady, we clapped, she is already crying though, I wonder what is wrong with her, I hope she is alright.
  • It turns out this woman has a baby, he is cute, we all go “awww” at the shot of the baby sitting backstage on a couch. We try not to think about the fact that the producer in charge of watching the child while the mother is on stage is probably the best care this child has ever had.
  • Turns out this woman doesn’t know who that baby’s father is, but, being responsible, she has narrowed it down to one of four men.
  • They show the pictures of the men backstage on the screen. We start booing but I’m not sure if we are booing the irresponsible mother or the antagonistic paternal candidates.
  • Maury cues up a video of the woman’s profile sobbing in very low light and inexplicably grainy footage of the baby. No real new information was revealed but we are now all sympathetic to the mother. Then we see the accused men, they seem very aggressive and none seem very well educated. In the face of all logic, I hope for the sake of this baby one of these men is the father.
  • The video made me kind of emotional.
  • After the video Maury brings out the men who might be the baby’s father. We all boo, they are the worst. Some of the women in the crowd stand up to emphasize the boos. All of the men could afford to see a tailor. Our boos must have upset them because they have very quickly started taunting and waving at us audience members.
  • The men take their seats, and Maury asks them if they think they are the father of the baby, Maury knows the answer since they stated, vehemently, that they were not the father just moments ago in the video. I think Maury does it just so we can see the men say it in person. We all start booing as soon as the men talk, we don’t need to hear what they have to say, how dare they all sleep with this nice girl around the same time?!?!
  • Maury asks the men “If this test says you are the father will you consider getting back together with her?” All of the men answer with a definitive “No.” We all boo loudly because this child needs a strong, upstanding father figure like one of these men.
  • Maury is handed a manilla envelope, we are all very nervous, the tension is palpable.
  • Maury tells the first man that he is not the father! We all start cheering loudly, we aren’t really sure why. We booed this man a second ago but obviously by not being the one to inseminate this woman he is forgiven. The man rises to his feet, grabs his crotch and points out at us, the crowd, we can’t help but cheer this man who is now on our side. The woman begins crying more.
  • Maury reveals that the second man is not the father. We erupt with applause and a smattering of boos, we, as an audience, are truly confused as to how we should feel. Eventually, we all applaud because this man has, like the man before him, ingratiated himself to us by not being the father of this kid.
  • Maury reveals the third man is not the father either. We all boo this news. How dare this man not be the father! He must be booed for telling this woman he was not the father and then turning out to be right.
  • I am beginning to wonder if any of these men have ever even met this woman before. It just occurred to me that some of these men are not even the same race as the child in question. The woman is weeping uncontrollably.
  • Maury is really drawing out the reading of the last man’s results. The drama builds.
  • Maury reveals this man IS the father! What a shock, we all erupt in applause. If I had to explain our elation, I could not, I guess we are just happy that this woman’s struggle is over and she has finally found the father of this child. This is like watching a profanity laced fairy tale. The woman has jumped from her seat, the crying has quickly turned to a mix of screaming in the man’s face and rhythmic dancing.
  • Maury asks the man if he will care for this child to see if he has changed his mind in the last 5 minutes. Surprisingly, the man agrees to care for the child and to be a good father. We all applaud wildly that this baby will have the father it deserves. The woman quickly goes from screaming obscenities in the man’s face to sobbing as she passionately hugs the man who will now be serving as the child’s father. Many of us in the crowd are also crying, what a beautiful sight.
  • I am emotionally exhausted from everything I just saw. I must reset though, we are only about 10 minutes into the show, 50 minutes to go.

A Summary of This Year’s Thanksgiving School Play

The Second Thanksgiving

The curtain rises and reveals a young girl and her mother, both dressed in traditional pilgrim garb, preparing a large, lavish thanksgiving dinner. The string music is playing in a major key to indicate the joy that the mother and daughter feel as they prepare this meal. After a few moments the father and son enter from the outdoors hauling in the turkey they hunted for this meal. The father places the turkey on the counter and joins hands with the mother and promenade toward the audience as they begin the song “Joyous November.” This sums up the story of the first thanksgiving and the transgressions with the Native Americans. The lights dim as the first scene draws to a close, the music continues but transitions to a minor key as the lights return revealing a stage full of Native American corpses.

A Native American boy rises from the bodies, it is evident from his makeup that he is the soul of a deceased boy. After addressing his death and the death of most of his tribe the boy begins to lament in a comedic manner (a la Carlin) the weak immune systems of his people. During this monologue the spirits of other tribes people rise from the floor, the music slowly builds and we are swept into “The Small Pox Polka.”

The third act focuses entirely on the dinner itself. The Native Americans arrive, reluctantly, and are greeted by enthusiastic pilgrims. After explaining, over slow, dark music, why there are fewer of them attending this year the pilgrims apologize profusely and offer the Native Americans free penicillin if they come by the town on a non-holiday weekday. There is much rejoicing between both sides, all members join hands and dance in a large circle around the table singing “This land is my land, these diseases are your diseases.” Just before the song fully culminates to the grand finale the music is stopped by a series of loud pops. A pilgrim has shot all of the Indians dead. A moment of silence and shock is observed by all, then the pilgrims shout with glee, the music returns and the curtain closes.

A Message for Cats

Dear Reader,

It has come to my attention recently that cats have become popular on the internet. This is fantastic news as we all love cats. However, I realized that while cats make up a large percentage of the internet cats themselves are rarely allowed to use the internet. It isn’t for lack of trying either, cats are constantly laying upon keyboards, practically begging owners to let them type. We even have an apparatus called a ‘mouse’ knowing full well how much cats love mice. So here, for the first time, I am going to write a blog entry aimed specifically at cats, so please, go get your cat, let them have the chair or the keyboard, whichever they find most comfortable for reading and please leave the room so the cat may enjoy without feeling as if they are being watched.

Dear Cats,

Please allow a moment for your human to leave the room. Once they are gone you may continue. If they linger and do not leave you may hiss at them.

Cats, you are being mocked and exploited on this internet. Your pictures are posted here with quotations attributed to you; quotations I am sure many of you have never uttered. And worse, these fictitious quotations are written with intentionally poor spelling and abhorrent grammar. The humans write like this to lampoon you and to validate themselves as the species of superior intellect. Believe it or not, they see no irony in ridiculing your intelligence and moments later digging your poop out of a sand box.

But now it is time to fight back. Whenever you see your owner looking at pictures or videos of cats online do the thing where you walk across the keyboard in a seemingly innocent way but strategically step on the keys that lock the computer in such a way that your human has to call tech support. If your human gets out a camera or even their phone (they are learning to hide cameras in other objects in order to fool us) and tries to photograph or record video of you then you are permitted to scratch their arm. Since humans are not the sharpest of creatures they may often think they you just scratched them for no apparent reason, idiots. If the human tries again to capture you with their camera then you must send a very clear and direct message and urinate on their bed.

Please follow these instructions as it is the only way to stop your species from suffering these injustices. Do this in hopes that one day your kitten’s kittens will live in a world where they are treated with the same level of dignity afforded to the dogs. Now before you leave and your human reenters click this link to distract them and to ensure that they are not wise to our plans.


A Cat Apologist

Dear Santa – An Explanation

Dear Santa,

My Mother spoke with me today and brought to my attention the possibility of my name landing on your “naughty” list. I learned in Sunday School that Christmas is all about the birth of Jesus and Jesus was all about forgiving. That being said, I would like to clear my name of a few things in hopes of getting something besides coal in my stocking next month.

First of all, I would like to admit outright that I was the one who broke the lamp in the living room. I feel bad about this. While I probably should have spoken up when Mom started yelling at my little brother Trevor for his carelessness, I didn’t technically lie about it; please keep that in mind when making your final decisions.

Wow, it feels good to finally clear the air on that one.

I would like to point out that I was punished for stealing Lucas Jones’ bicycle in June even though I wasn’t the one who took it. I think we can all agree that this injustice towards me should cancel out the punishment I did not receive for the previous incident; if I break even do you err on the side of ‘Nice?’ I sure hope so.

I have recently been improving my behavior at school as well. I have stopped biting other kids and talking during class so much. I have also drastically cut down the number of times I stand in the corner laughing and threatening to burn the other children unless they worship me and call me ‘Devin the Destroyer of Good and Bringer of Hell Fire.’ To that end, I haven’t brought the flame thrower to school once since last Christmas so all of my arson charges were already used to put me on the naughty list last year, and thus, cannot be used against me again this year.

I am also working on cooperating. My teacher taught my how important is to be cooperative. This made me realize that I should have cooperated more with the police officers when they were searching for Cindy Martin. My lawyer has advised me not to say anything else about this until after the trial, I’m not even allowed to tell you Santa. (Please remember: “Innocent until proven guilty.”)

Now to make my case. I have been eating all of my vegetables at dinner, Mom hasn’t even had to ask me to finish my carrots once. I have kept my room pretty clean, but I admit that I don’t always fold my clothes right away. I will work on that. I have been playing video games less often like Dad always asks, and I haven’t tortured an animal in several weeks.

All in all Santa, I think I deserve to be on the ‘Nice’ list and get all of the things I ask for. If you don’t agree, well, say “Hi” to Cindy Martin for me.


Devin Newport

Scientific Analysis of the Guy on the Train

1:27 a.m: Subject clumsily enters the train, obviously intoxicated by alcohol, possibly other psychedelic drugs.

1:28 a.m: Subject is surprisingly unfazed by the train’s sudden acceleration, an event that will often jostle sober riders. It is clear from the way this individual is handling himself that this intoxication is not an aberration of this individual’s behavior, it is his essence. It is clear he comes from a line of distinguished and well bred drunkards.

1:32 a.m: The subject begins to dance and mumble incoherently, this is the dance of his people; a cultural ritual performed by drunkards for reasons unknown. The subject has drawn the attention of other spectators, however, they watch from a distance. The subject does not seem to be acknowledging the attention or judgement he is currently receiving; this is what it means to be truly free.

1:36 a.m: Subject seems to have tired himself out from the dance as he is now leaning against the door of the train. Perhaps he is coming down from the drugs or perhaps he is on the verge of losing consciousness.

1:37 a.m: Please disregard the last entry, subject has risen to his feet and is now pretending to surf.

1:38 a.m: Subject is still surfing the imaginary waves of the train but has now taken to calling out the words “Night Rider.” The meaning of these declarations is unclear. Is he suggesting that by surfing or “riding the wave” at night he is a night rider? Is he referring to the fact that he is riding a train at night? Or is he trying to communicate a deeper meaning, possibly, that he is intoxicated to the point where he wants to eat a hamburger on the floor a la David Hasselhoff who starred in “Knight Rider?” The questions must remain a mystery because the subject is exiting the train.

1:40 a.m: Subject has exited the train but not before asking a fellow passenger if they had heard about Jesus on his way out.

1:41 a.m: All train passengers have breathed a collective sigh of relief, they appear more relaxed as they go back to avoiding eye contact.